We recently asked on our Facebook page for suggestions of songs that might inspire a newsletter and someone suggested Mama I’m Coming Home by Ozzy Osbourne. What a great song and excellent suggestion!
Our minds immediately started going in different directions. Rather than focus on just one of the topics, we’re going to share the variety of thoughts that we had when we started pondering what to write.
Our first thought was directly related to the person who offered the suggestion and who happens to be an adoptive parent. We are fully aware that the song is not about adoption; however, when we read the comment, we could “hear” little voices, excited to find their forever home with their Mama.
We believe that the intended meaning of the song is related to being welcomed “home” after significant personal struggle, including addiction and infidelity. So often, we see couples struggle to figure out how to rebuild a relationship and regain some level of trust. Some couples can work through it, but not always. It’s a personal decision, but one that we see clients struggle with all the time.
There is a very fine line between “how was your visit” and “tell me everything that you did” when a child returns home from parenting time. While the linguistic difference may be slight, there is a different, understated tone that can create stress for a child or the imply intrusiveness by a co-parent. Believe it or not, this is one of the most frequently discussed reasons for frustration amongst co-parents and the primary reason that parenting classes exist.*
Of course, there is the reality of Ozzy’s health; clearly, Ozzy is not well and his quality of life is quite poor. We suspect that the song took on a deeper meaning last week, whether religious or spiritual, as he returned home after his last performance ever and looked towards his final days.
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Someone recently asked if divorce is actually detrimental to children. After some thought, the response was “No, not necessarily.”
Most children of divorced parents will admit that they were not surprised by the divorce. They remember parents fighting or not spending time together as a family. Is it often crushing when they realize that their parents will not be reconciling and getting back together? Sure, but most children just want to see their parents happy.
It’s not that children are not effected by their parents separating, but moreso that the horror stories that we often hear are actually related to what happened after the separation. Simply put, it’s the parents.
Some thoughts on how maintain a close relationship with your children after divorce:
1. Compromise with your co-parent whenever possible;
2. Spend quality time with your children when you have them;
3. Use only positive words and tones when speaking about your co-parent especially when in the presence of the children;
4. Be careful what you post on social media;
5. Use caution when engaging in family texts because things can elevate quickly and your children should not be involved in any adult conversations or drama;
6. Do not take the advice of anyone who is not a family law attorney about what the “right” thing to do is procedurally. People often have the best intentions, but every situation is unique; and
7. Consider engaging a couples or family therapist to help guide better overall communication.
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Pliability.
/ˌplīəˈbilədē/
noun: the quality of being easily bent; flexibility.
– Google Dictionary
If you live in New England, the word “pliability” may trigger thoughts about Tom Brady and Alex Guerrero. Arguably, Brady has been able to play into his 40’s and gain legendary status because of his commitment to pliability.
Pliability is a must for the family of all professional athletes and coaches. Like having someone enlisted in the military, it is a full family commitment to crazy, constantly moving schedules.
Brady is not unique in that his family is blended; he has a child from a previous relationship and two children with his wife. What would happen if the mother of his oldest son wasn’t pliable?
No Super Bowl or parade for the kid even though his dad is the GOAT. Without knowing any of the parties or the specifics of their parenting agreement, it is unlikely that Brady always has visitation on the first Sunday of every February or the following week reserved so his son can ride in a parade (though it might be smart to do so). Without some pliability by his mom, the poor kid would miss these extraordinary, once (or six times) in a lifetime, experiences. While we realize that Brady’s specific concerns are not typical, they actually are pretty common.
Take the fairly typical “overnights every other weekend and dinner once or twice during the week” scenario. What if there is a big family event that the child would miss because it’s not the “right” weekend for the parent? What if Mom or Dad travel for work? What if one of the parents or the child(ren) are sick? Ideally, both parents are pliable and do what is best for the child(ren).
Co-parenting can be bit trickier if the parents live far apart from one another. Typical visits are longer in duration, but less frequent. For some parents, it means commuting back and forth to where their child lives. In this scenario, the local parent should really be pliable if the parent shows up late, arrives early or needs to reschedule due to weather.
Simply put, there is no “one size fits all” for co-parenting schedules and life happens. When developing a plan, the parents should consider the needs, preferences and best interest of the child. They should also be (wait for it) PLIABLE.
As always, please let us know if we can help you with developing a parenting agreement that works for you or any other legal matter.
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