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To Do List

We love nothing more than a “to do” list. It’s oddly satisfying to check of things that we have accomplished!

There are typically three (3) times of year when we recommend that co-parents revisit their to do list, making sure that all of their ducks are going in the right direction and quacking appropriately: the beginning and conclusion of each school year, as well as at the end of the calendar year. Some of the matters can be addressed in an informal writing, such as a text, email or parenting app, while others may benefit from either a formalized writing or court intervention:

1. Determiming who is getting the children to and from school.
2. Discussing activities will the children be participating in during this school year.
3. Confirming how any school and extra circular costs be initially paid, inclduding a plan in place for remibursement(s).
4. Verifiying who will be included on the school emergency and medical forms.
5. Clarifying will be providing the school with legal or medical documentation as needed.
6. Ratifying that both parents will be receiving newsletters, attending events and have access to the school’s portal.
7.Sharing any thoughts or constructive criticism about the last school year which could help them to better co-parent in the upcoming.
8. Establishing consistent, reasonable and age appropriate bed times and homework routines.
9. Certifying who will be claiming the children on their taxes for the current calendar year.
10. Arranging and bringing the children to routine medical appointments which might be required.
11. Determining who will pick up or stay home with the children when (not if) needed.
12. Exchanging contact lists for any regular babysitters, doctors, therapists, tutors who have a relationship with the children.
13. Syncing family calendars and adding important dates/ events as they become available.
14. Reviewing upcoming holiday parenting schedules, including arrangements for half days, long weekends and potential vacations during the school year.

Even if the content in this newsletter is not relevant to you, we encourage you think about how it may apply to your life by revisiting your current estate plan. We typically suggest that people at least ponder how their life has changed since an estate plan was establshed: children/ grandchildren, marriage, divorce, retirement, significant change in assets or any other big event, including passing of a beneficiary or someone who has agreed to a responsiblity as a Personal Representative, Health Care Proxy or Power of Attorney.

As always, we appreciate that you took the time to read our newsletter. We are always available to answer your questions regarding this or any other matters!

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Never a Doubt (fire).



Robin Williams was unquestionably one of the most memorable personalities of our time. His roles in Mork & Mindy, Good Will Hunting, Jumanji, Dead Poet’s Society and Mrs. Doubtfire were iconic.

We have no idea how many times we’ve seen Mrs. Doubtfire, but when we recently fell upon it, something hit differently. For the first time, we couldn’t help but reflect on the last couple of years of practice, packed with so many parents who really just wanted to parent. Historically, a good number of our clients have been focused on the financial aspect, but recently it’s been more on parenting rather than paying (which makes us SO happy).

Mrs. Doubtfire showcased the extreme desperation that some of our have been feeling about the potential of losing time with their children. Have any of them taken on a whole new persona with hopes of preserving their rights? Not that we know of, but we have definitely witnessed people act out of character for themselves.

We could come up with a billion reasons why child custody matters have become more intense, but we suspect that it is related to the “information” available online. We suspect that some people watch a 20 second reel on how to manipulate a situation without truly understanding the long term application or how it might effect their children.

In reality, when the dust settles and emotions dissipate, things usually turn out as they should. The hatred and vigor that the parties held for one another is replaced by returned focus on effective communication and co-parenting.

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Ozzy.


We recently asked on our Facebook page for suggestions of songs that might inspire a newsletter and someone suggested Mama I’m Coming Home by Ozzy Osbourne. What a great song and excellent suggestion!

Our minds immediately started going in different directions. Rather than focus on just one of the topics, we’re going to share the variety of thoughts that we had when we started pondering what to write.

Our first thought was directly related to the person who offered the suggestion and who happens to be an adoptive parent. We are fully aware that the song is not about adoption; however, when we read the comment, we could “hear” little voices, excited to find their forever home with their Mama.
We believe that the intended meaning of the song is related to being welcomed “home” after significant personal struggle, including addiction and infidelity. So often, we see couples struggle to figure out how to rebuild a relationship and regain some level of trust. Some couples can work through it, but not always. It’s a personal decision, but one that we see clients struggle with all the time.
There is a very fine line between “how was your visit” and “tell me everything that you did” when a child returns home from parenting time. While the linguistic difference may be slight, there is a different, understated tone that can create stress for a child or the imply intrusiveness by a co-parent. Believe it or not, this is one of the most frequently discussed reasons for frustration amongst co-parents and the primary reason that parenting classes exist.*
Of course, there is the reality of Ozzy’s health; clearly, Ozzy is not well and his quality of life is quite poor. We suspect that the song took on a deeper meaning last week, whether religious or spiritual, as he returned home after his last performance ever and looked towards his final days.

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Bye, Bye Love.

Someone recently asked if divorce is actually detrimental to children. After some thought, the response was “No, not necessarily.”

Most children of divorced parents will admit that they were not surprised by the divorce. They remember parents fighting or not spending time together as a family. Is it often crushing when they realize that their parents will not be reconciling and getting back together? Sure, but most children just want to see their parents happy.

It’s not that children are not effected by their parents separating, but moreso that the horror stories that we often hear are actually related to what happened after the separation.  Simply put, it’s the parents.

Some thoughts on how maintain a close relationship with your children after divorce:
1. Compromise with your co-parent whenever possible;
2. Spend quality time with your children when you have them;
3. Use only positive words and tones when speaking about your co-parent especially when in the presence of the children;
4. Be careful what you post on social media;
5. Use caution when engaging in family texts because things can elevate quickly and your children should not be involved in any adult conversations or drama;
6. Do not take the advice of anyone who is not a family law attorney about what the “right” thing to do is procedurally. People often have the best intentions, but every situation is unique; and
7. Consider engaging a couples or family therapist to help guide better overall communication.

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A Solid NO.

A Solid NO.

Pretty much every time that we talk about child custody or parenting, the phrase “Best Interest of the Child” is either uttered or written. If you have been divorced within the last decade or so, you have attended a parent education class which focuses on co-parenting.

We can actually tell a lot about our clients depending on how they react to the parenting class. Great parents seem to take the class hoping to gain some ideas and bad parents often think that the information doesn’t apply to them.

The principles should be basic but we want to share them nonetheless. If you are a co-parent, there are things that you should never ever do:

1. Never talk negatively about your co- parent. Your child loves both parents and, if you talk trash about their other parent, they will potentially internalize it as disapproval of who they are as an individual;
2.  If the co- parent starts dating someone or gets married, do not criticize that new person to your child. Children need to form their own opinions and build their own relationships;
3. Do not cancel out on parenting time if you can avoid it. Things happen: people get sick, work runs late and emergencies happen. Cancellations should be exceptions, not the standard;
4. Do not set rules in your home that are drastically different from the home they have with your co- parent. Will there be some minor differences? Of course. The best things for a child are stability, structure and predictability. It probably doesn’t make a huge difference if one home eats at 5pm versus 6pm, but bed times that are hours apart will create a grumpy and confused child;
5. Do not spoil your children too much during your parenting time. It’s really tempting to be the “fun parent,” especially if you are not with your child on a daily basis. Kids do not love you because you sneak them extra cookies (though many grandparents would disagree);
6. Do not leave all homework to the other parent. Almost nobody enjoys Common Core math  but chances are that one parent doesn’t mind it as much as another. Work together to use your talents, skills and knowledge whenever possible. Your children will benefit academically and they will that both parents make them their top priority;
7. Do not ignore your children when you have time with them. Consider playing Xbox WITH your child instead of just letting them sit in the basement alone. Quality time is always more important than quantity;
8. Do not forget to have fun together while also teaching life lessons.  Chores are not really fun, but they are important and can be done together. Teach your child to mow the lawn, do laundry and other life skills, then celebrate a job well done together;
9. Do not introduce your child to every person that you date. If you are serious with someone, it might be appropriate that your child gets to know this new person.  Before you introduce that person to your child, talk with the other parent and the child to let them know that it is going to happen so that everyone can support the child emotionally. If your child is not comfortable meeting someone, take that cue and wait. When you do make an introduction, keep it light and short. Allow your child and your person to develop a relationship on their own and at their own pace.

As always,  please let us know if you have any questions about this or any other legal matters.

Regards,
John & Faye
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