Planning for Your Marriage.

 

 

What a long century 2020 and early 2021 have been. Since Covid entered our lives approximately a year ago, we have all changed some aspect of our thinking and our behaviors. Some people have become genuinely more compassionate while others struggle with unbearable of levels of anxiety and depression. Many have focused on ordering (and tipping) on take out from local resturants or supporting small, local businesses.  Most of us have missed life events, like graduations, bar mitzvahs and weddings which have been replaced by smaller, more intimate ceremonies which might only allow for remote attendance.

One of the most interesting aspects of smaller weddings is the focus on the marriage, rather than the event; we have often said that doing this would actually decrease the divorce rate, because marriage is about so much more than a gorgeous dress.  We have noticed that more engaged couples seem to be spending their time having real, meaningful conversations about what being married means and establishing a plan for their life together.

Many couples don’t really discuss the real details life and future together before they got married; did you?

A lot of people will answer no to that question. I asked someone yesterday and he responded that they discussed that they both thought important that she stay home and raise their children but that seemed to be the extent of where the conversation ended.

As we have said often and consistently, prenuptial agreements are one of our favorite types of matters to handle. It is fascinating to observe as they navigate cooperation and negotiation, both of which are essential for a successful marriage. Among the topics that we typically challenge them to ponder and discuss:

  • Existing debt, including school loans or mortgages;
  • Credit scores;
  • Trust fund from which they draw income and  what they do with those funds;
  • Allocation of  household expenses;
  • If there will be children, expectation about private verus public schools and if someone will stay home to raise them or use day care;
  • Purchase or leasing of autombiles (ie cash, financing, type, frequency);
  • Future hope of travel (ie the cost of an annual trip weeklong trip to Maine is very different than a month in Europe);
  • Annual income;
  • Annual expenses;
  • Current savings, checking and investments;
  • Theory on investing (ie. Is one a risk taker and the other more conservative?);
  • Theory on saving (ie Does one like to spend and the other likes to save?); and
  • Comparison of health insurance plans regarding the cost availability for the spouse and children.

There are other things to consider as well, including some found in this article:
25 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married (msn.com)

As always, please feel free to contact us if we can assist you in any way.

Warm regards,
John & Faye

 

 

 

 

 

 
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No Two Are Alike.

 

For everyone who knows us, you know that one of us has a shoe obsession*. There is a massive love of high heels but also a strong affection for sandals, wedges, loafers, flip flops, ballet shoes and even cozy slippers. Given this obsession, you may be surprised that this is the first newsletter that we have ever written about shoes.

The great thing about about shoes is that there is a pair of shoes to fit your personality, mood and lifestyle. The same can be said about child custody agreements; there is an agreement to fit every “pair” of parents..

Although the specifics terms of the plans can be as different as stilettos and flip flops, custody can generally be defined several ways under M.G.L. c. 208:
1. Sole legal custody: One parent has the exclusive right and responsibility to make decisions about matters that have a significant impact on the life of their child(ren), such as education, medical care and religious upbringing. Sole legal custody is more rare than you might expect. We see sole custody most
often if one parent has a history of drug use, physical abuse, untreated mental health issues or if there is a restraining order currently in place;
2. Shared legal custody: Both parents have the right and responsibility to make decisions about matters that have a significant impact on the life of their child(ren), such as education, medical care and religious upbringing. This is the default unless there is something significant happening within the family as suggested above;
3. Sole physical custody: The child(ren) resides only with and supervised by only parent but may have visitation with the other parent unless visitation would not be in the best interest of the child(ren). We occasionally see parents who live in different states who will have shared legal custody but only one parent has physical custody;
4. Joint physical custody: The child(ren) reside in the homes of and supervised by both parents on a regular basis. What this model looks like can vary greatly from family to family. While some parents have the child(ren) rotate homes every couple of days, others stick to the classic one dinner during the week and parenting time every other weekend. Sometimes, parents with joint physical custody will choose a “primary” parent for the child(ren) in order to determine school choice. There is no “correct” schedule for co-parenting.

As always, please let us know if you have questions regarding a family law or other matters.
Warmest regards,
Faye and John

* We will let you decide which one of us loves shoes!

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A Solid NO.

Pretty much every time that we talk about child custody or parenting, the phrase “Best Interest of the Child” is either uttered or written. IF you have been divorced within the last decade or so, you have attended a parent education class which focuses on co-parenting.

 

We can actually tell a lot about our clients depending on how they react to the parenting class. Great parents seem to take the class hoping to gain some ideas and bad parents often think that they information doesn’t apply to them.

 

The principles should be basic but we want to share them nonetheless. If you are a co-parent, there are things that you should never ever do:

1. Never talk negatively about your co-parent. Your child loves both parents and, if you talk trash about their other parent, they will potentially internalize it as disapproval of who they are as an individual;

2. If the co-parent starts dating someone or gets married, do not criticize that new person to your child.  Children need to form their own opinions and build their own relationships;

3. Do not cancel out on parenting time if you can avoid it. Things happen: people get sick, work runs late and emergencies happen. Cancellations should be the exceptions, not the standard;

4. Do not set rules in your home that are drastically different from the home they have with your co-parent. Will there be some minor differences? Of course. The best things for a child are stability, structure and predictability. It doesn’t make a huge difference if one home eats at 5pm versus 6pm, but bed times that are hours apart will create a grumpy and confused child;

5. Do not spoil your children too much during your parenting time. It’s really tempting to be the “fun parent,” especially if you are not with your child on a daily basis. Kids do not love you because you sneak them extra cookies (though many grandparents would disagree);

6. Do not leave your homework to the other parent. Almost nobody enjoys Common Core math but chances are good that one parent doesn’t mind it as much as the other. Work together to use your talents, skills and knowledge whenever possible. Your children will benefit academically and they will know that both parents make them a top priority;

7.  Do not ignore your children when you have time with them. Consider playing XBox WITH your child instead of just letting them sit in the basement alone. Quality time is almost more important than quanity;

8. Do not forget to have fun together while also teaching life lessons. Chores are not really fun, but they are important and can be done together. Teach your child to mow the lawn, do laundry and other life skills, then celebrate a job well done together; and

9. Do not introduce your child to ever person that you date. If you are serious with someone, it might be appropriate that your child gets to know this new person. Before you introduce that person to your child, talk with the other parent and the child to let them know that this is going to happen so that everyone can support the child emotionally. If your child is not comfortable meeting someone, take that cue and wait. When you do make an introduction, keep it light and short. Allow your child and your person to develop a relationship on their own and at their own pace.

 

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Kanye.

Kanye.

It’s very odd to sit down and write a newsletter about Kanye West. Sure, some of his songs are pretty catchy. Yes, he is super famous and his family is every where on social media. Normally, we don’t think about him at all though BUT his recent, erratic behavior makes him worth discussing from a legal perspective.

In case you have been cut off from social media and traditional news, West has experiencing some animated, manic behaviors as of late. His wife has confirmed that he is bipolar and his behavior suggests that West is currently manic and off of medications which would control the extreme range of behavior.

Rumors are spreading quickly that a divorce is on the horizon. If a divorce does happen, we would expect that there will be a discussion about custody of the children and some bumps in the divorce process (even if there is a prenuptial agreement).

Mental Health May Have an Effect on the Divorce Process 
The courts will not force someone to stay married to anyone, including a person with a mental health condition; however, the process is often a bit more of a roller coaster.
1. Concern over physical safety during the process and when that person lives alone. Depending on the person’s condition, he or she may be more likely to harm themselves or others. There are safe guards and orders that can be put into place to keep everyone as safe as possible;
2. Financial needs of the person with mental health concerns may require that a greater portion of the marital assets be allocated to him or her. Alimony may also be necessary if he or she is unable to work or has significant medical expenses; and
3. The process itself may take longer.  The person may not participate because they can’t find the strength to do so; this can be extremely frustrating for a party who just wants to get through the process as quickly as possible.

Mental Health May Have an Effect on Child Custody.
The courts evaluate each case individually to assess the best interest of the child(ren), which may include a variety of factors related to mental health of a parent:
1. Whether the condition is a short term matter or a lifelong condition;
2. Whether the parent  is actively committed to her treatment or therapeutic plan;
3. Whether the parent’s ability to care for himself or herself is compromised by the condition;
4. Whether and how the condition of the parent effects the safety and overall best interest of the child(ren) and their general safety; and
5. Whether the condition is being caused by use or abuse of drugs.

As always, please let us know if you have any questions regarding how mental health effects child custody and divorce or anything else.
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Co-Parenting During the Corona Pandemic

Co-Parenting During the Corona Pandemic

Parenting during the Corona pandemic is a challenge for everyone. Chances are good that your family is spending a lot of quality time together in (fairly) close quarters and may be starting to get one another’s nerves. It’s also possible that your children are trying to play more video games than you ever thought possible and you’re possibly starting to see the nutritional value of a peanut butter cup. What can complicate this already challenging time? Co-parenting by divorced or separated parents.

How should you handle co-parenting during this time?
1. Stick to your typical parenting schedule. Your kids need some regularity, predictability and stability;
2. If you know that your situation is going to be changing (ie. nurses and doctors are working longer hours, people are being laid off temporarily, child care centers are closing), communicate that to your ex as soon as possible;
and
3. Work together to adjust and accommodate one another. We know that it’s not always easy to help out the other person, but remember that this is about your children, not your ex.

The Today Show had a great segment on this as well:

www.today.com/parents/how-divorced-parents-handle-custody-coronavirus-t176236

As of now, the probate and family courts are closed except for emergency hearings; however, many of these scheduling issues can be resolved by talking with one another. *

We hope that you stay safe and healthy!

Regards,
John and Faye

* Except where there is a restraining order in place and the parties cannot communicate. When parties are going to be co-parenting, we often ask that restraining orders permit for the parties to communicate via text about the children only; this allows the parties to communicate but allows for evidence of all conversations.

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